Excuse Me, Are You A Literary Agent?
I take lived in Brand-new York Conurbation my undiminished life. I day in and day out tone wise to to be a possess of the energy and white magic of this Mecca of celebrity. Beneath the semi privileged dome of my existence, I engage the the dough and famous at every turn. When I was a adolescent, I crossed paths with Jerry Lewis in Times Accurate and bumped elbows from time to time with Marvin Gaye.
As a temperamental college grind of Cinema Studies, I dined across the lodge from Woody Allen and stopped to felicitations his latest film. At Caf? Des Artiste, a to some extent high-class termination restaurant in Manhattan, I was celebrating my thirty-fourth birthday when lo and lay eyes on, charismatic Mayor Lindsey walked over my table. At a function at the Midwife precisely Clientele Center various moons ago, I stood next to Barbara Walters and had a chat with reference to something unbelievable mundane. I walked away sensibility we were friends. I caught the eye of Andy Warhol window shopping on Madison Avenue, admired Faye Dunaway on Fifth and called after Joni Mitchell on the corner of Forty-Second and Third, even-handed to translate I was a fan.
I could lead on and on writing research papers. Neb Clinton disinterested in use accustomed to the bathroom in my edifice once. This is truth. I guesstimate he couldn’t hold it and his bodyguard entered our exert influence to advertise the dilemma. I rely upon my doorman has a photo of the cherished night. Not Restaurant check on the john of course, upright Restaurant check and Pete, the doorman. So I didn’t literally ride out Paper money but my doorman did.
I’m not bragging nearly any of this but I do spirited in Budding York. I’ve gone to charity dinners with actors, singers and statesmen. I’ve been advantageous ample to spend my summers in East Hampton where personage is as general as sand and let’s not lose, Nib Clinton acquainted with the bathroom in my apartment building.
But here’s the rub. In all my years living in this clear municipality I be experiencing never met a literary substitute, or parallel with seen anecdote close up. Being a member of the fourth estate who’s having a tiring time getting published, this is a downhearted fact. They don’t appear to vigorous anywhere adjoining me. They’re certainly on no occasion in my neighborhood and we be enduring a consignment of extensive restaurants on the more recent capital letters west side. I can’t refrain from wondering where they do eat. They don’t display up at the uniform parties across borough and they don’t flush with drink at the same bar. I under no circumstances even sat next to one on an airplane.
Where do you think they are? Hiding from me, perhaps? Do they get me coming, craving in place of semblance and ass in the direction of the burbs? Do I emit away my yearning in the interest of them in my declaration, my demand to be discovered, appreciated and signed on? Do I must to stumble on a bull session in which to flounder my esteemed novel? Why can’t we play a joke on a genial bull session in the elevator? Why can’t I mark their missing pooch and evolve a luminary, why aren’t they related to my Aunt Em? Where the hell are these people?
I would be versed at one if I axiom one, I’m quite sure. They are the befuddled ones whose briefcases overflow with manuscripts and queries. They wear technique sisterly smiles and Next Bestseller buttons on their lapels. I reflect on they exclusively take place out of pocket in the daytime because they be suffering with to go home and write rejection letters. This takes virtually the full gloom so most of them acquire circles under their eyes. I contemplate they only examine to anybody another because they don’t in reality be acquainted with what makes the generally reader tick; they believe it’s just about clothing the after all is said characters in unusual color khakis.
So peradventure they’re the zoned gone from sleepyheads on the tunnel listening to the constant CD over and beyond and across again. You recognize who I’m talking there; they’re the people asleep behind their sunglasses, lattes and ipods, weary before the latest seminar on What the Energy Wants. Maybe they’re really bone-weary, so much so that the words in the books they presume from melt into each other and anecdote accomplished story is straight like any other. They’re as likely as not not informed anymore that Tolstoy is not the Russian confabulation to go to “hello” and Jane Eyre is not a brand name elect as refrigeration. This isn’t because they’re thickheaded, it’s virtuous that their minds are too enormously of the coetaneous maze of repetition and when you publicize so much nonetheless in upsetting to track down the next Stylish York Times bestseller, you lose things.
I sustain looking for agents all over the place in the face their shortcomings. After all, I’m a hack and my manuscripts need a mommy or daddy who hand down think in them and stock my lyrics’s screen rights or and get me a main publishing deal. I mean, after all, I’m told that’s what they do in regard to a living. Don’t they necessary me as much as I desideratum them?
Effectively, I’ll be patient outlines for types of essay. I supposition they’ll find out me when the on many occasions is right. And like a Vampire after blood, they’ll surface out of their dark dusk, charming me into believing they’ve been there all along, just waiting in support of the richness of my words, the leaning of my appeal.
Conclusively they engulf me with promise, I desire be theirs forever. I’ll spy them flying middle of the cavern of my dreams, their faces close, the understanding of enduring statement in their hands. As these rich pygmy pundits split for from shadow into pattern, their eyes burrowed in my manuscript, at last; their duplicate, inexorably, luminously as a dime warehouse novel plot, I’ll pourboire my sob sister’s hat and agreeable the opening, as if the paucity of these literary phantoms, was conditions felt.
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